Aging At Home - When Your Aging Parent Won't Talk About Their Health - but You Know Something Isn't Right
By Christy Hire, MS, OTR, CHT | Comfortable Aging Solutions |Age at Home YOUR Way
They tell you just enough to make you anxious - but not enough to know what to do next. |
Your parent mentions they felt dizzy last week, but then quickly changes the subject They casually tell you they fell, but insist it was "nothing." They admit they have been short of breath, are having trouble getting into the shower, or haven't been sleeping well. Then, when you ask for more information, you hear:
"I'm fine."
"You don't need to worry about me."
"I already handled it."
Now, you're left with just enough information to be anxious - and not enough information to know what is actually happening or what you should do next.
If this sounds familiar, you are NOT ALONE. Many older adults keep health information from their adult children. This is especially common for older adults in their 80s right now. My mom is 84, and that generation in general was raised to “be seen and not heard”. Sometimes they value their privacy. Sometimes they don't want to worry anyone. And sometimes they are afraid that admitting there is a problem will lead to losing control over their home, their driving, or their decisions.
First, don’t dismiss what you’re noticing
You do not have to panic every time your parent mentions an ache, a bad night, or a moment of dizziness. But you also shouldn't repeatedly talk yourself out of what you are seeing and hearing.
Pay attention when:
· The same problem is mentioned more than once.
· Their explanation keeps changing or doesn't make sense.
· They minimize a fall, injury, medication mistake, or change in function.
· They sound unusually confused, exhausted, frightened, or withdrawn.
· They are doing less because an activity has become difficult.
· One parent appears to be covering for or compensating for the other.
· Your gut keeps telling you that something has changed.
One vague comment may not mean much. A pattern does.
Ask questions that are easier to answer
"How is your health?" is a big question - and it is very easy to answer with "fine."
Instead, ask about something specific and concrete in a CALM manner:
· "You mentioned feeling dizzy. What were you doing when it happened?"
· "Did you fall, or were you able to catch yourself?"
· "Has that happened more than once?"
· "Did you tell your doctor?"
· "Are you avoiding the shower because getting in is difficult?"
· "Would you show me how you're managing the stairs now?"
*** Ask one or two questions, not twelve. An interrogation usually makes a private or defensive parent shut down even more.
*** Let your parent know you’re trying to help them STAY AT HOME, not looking for reasons to “put them somewhere”.
Explain why you’re asking
Instead of saying, "You're not telling me anything," try: "When you mention that you fell but won't tell me what happened, my mind fills in the blanks. I'm not trying to take over. I need enough information to understand whether you're okay and whether something needs attention." This keeps the conversation focused on the problem without treating your parent like a child.
Respect privacy—but be honest about the consequences
Your parent is an adult. If they are able to make their own decisions, they have the right to keep medical information private and even make choices you disagree with. That does not mean you have to pretend everything is fine.
You can say: "I respect that these are your decisions. But if you expect me to respond during an emergency or step in when something goes wrong, I need some basic information before we reach that point." That is not a threat. It is a reasonable boundary. You cannot be expected to take responsibility without being given enough information to do so.
Ask for a small next step
You may not get the entire medical history in one conversation. Focus on one practical next step:
· Ask your parent to call their medical provider about the specific symptom.
· Offer to drive them to an appointment.
· Ask whether you may attend the appointment or join by phone.
· Encourage them to give the healthcare office written permission to speak with you.
· Make sure you know their medications, providers, allergies, and preferred hospital for an emergency.
· Suggest an objective home and daily-function assessment if you are noticing changes in mobility, self-care, medication routines, or safety.
Whenever possible, offer choices: "Would you rather call the doctor yourself today, or would you like me to sit with you while you call?" Choice feels very different from control.
Know when the conversation can’t wait
If your parent describes a sudden, severe, or potentially life-threatening symptom - or you believe they may be in immediate danger - do not spend hours trying to get the full story. Call 911 or seek emergency medical care. For concerns that are not emergencies but are new, recurring, or getting worse, encourage prompt contact with the appropriate healthcare professional. A blog post, online search, or family discussion cannot determine whether a symptom is harmless.
Look at function, not just diagnoses
You may never know every detail of your parent's medical conditions. You can still pay attention to how they are functioning in everyday life.
Are they:
· Taking medications correctly?
· Eating regularly?
· Getting in and out of the shower safely?
· Managing the toilet, dressing, and personal care?
· Walking through the home without holding onto furniture?
· Keeping appointments and paying bills?
· Driving safely?
· Maintaining the home as they normally would?
Changes in daily function often tell you more about what support is needed than the name of a diagnosis.
Don’t let anxiety become the entire plan
When information is missing, it is easy to imagine the worst, call repeatedly, or monitor every decision your parent makes. That may temporarily make you feel more involved, but it usually does not create a workable plan.
Write down the specific things you have noticed. Separate facts from fears.
Decide which concerns require medical attention, which involve home safety or daily function, and which are primarily about preparing for the future.
Then address the most important issue first. You do not need to solve every possible future problem today. But waiting until a hospitalization, serious fall, or other crisis forces the conversation can leave everyone with fewer choices.
A neutral, aging at home professional can change the conversation
Parents sometimes hear concern from an objective professional differently than they hear it from their own children. The conversation becomes less about "my child is trying to take over" and more about identifying what is changing, what carries the greatest risk, and what could make daily life easier.
My 25 years as an Occupational Therapist, my own life/death experience, and being the main caregiver for my mom with Alzheimer’s give me a unique perspective. I look beyond a basic safety checklist. I consider how the person is moving through the home, completing everyday activities, managing current health changes, and trying to preserve control over how and where they live.
If you are losing sleep over bits and pieces of information from your parent - and you are not sure whether you are overreacting, underreacting, or missing something important –
go to ComfortableAgingSolutions.com and tap LET’S TALK ABOUT IT.
-OR-
tap the link below. Then you can schedule a complimentary consult to tell me what’s going on.
Comfortable Aging Solutions can provide an objective perspective, identify practical next steps, and guide your family through the decisions involved in aging at home.
Age at home YOUR way.
This article provides general information and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or emergency care.
Christy Hire MS, OTR, CHT
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